I’m sure many of you are intrigued about the glamorous life of an online clothing store owner. I spend three days a week in a real office, with real people, working a real job, and I spend four days a week as my alter ego Hazel. Here’s a taste of a typical Hazel day.
0600: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
0603: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
0606: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
0609: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
0612: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
0615: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
0618: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
0621: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
0624: Alarm goes off. Turn alarm off.
0837: Wake up. Check Facebook (mine), check Insta (mine), check Insta (the cat’s), check Facebook (Hazel’s), check Insta (Hazel’s).
0914: Get out of bed. Look in the mirror. Take selfie, send to sisters convo on WhatsApp “I woke up like this #suchacatch”. Talk to the cat.
0920: Take three times the recommended dose of pre-workout. Find a note from mum “Please hang out the washing.”
0921: Get into workout gear. Always a compression tight (not because I am that hard core, but because they are very slimming), and a long singlet. Add a hooded sweat because it’s cold.
0923: Decide to go for a run. Which will start with a walk, and then lead into a run. Maybe. OK, it will be a walk, that leads into a walk, and ends with a walk. But let’s pretend I run. Locate iPod, spend 10 minutes untangling ear buds. iPod is flat. It’s a well known fact that it’s impossible to run without tunes. No run for me.
0933: Look up “home workouts” on YouTube. Check Facebook (mine), check Insta (mine), check Insta (the cat’s), check Facebook (Hazel’s), check Insta (Hazel’s). Check bank account – in overdraft. Email the online store that I bought some new workout gear from, telling them that I placed an order yesterday, but haven’t received confirmation that it’s on its way, and can they let me know when it will be leaving. Have decided to wait for new workout gear before I start running.
0953: Decide that I should probably do a kettlebell Tabata in the safety of my room. Locate iPad to use Tabata timer. iPad is flat. Will wait for iPad to charge a bit, and then do Tabata.
1018: Tell myself I really should do that Tabata now. Start warm up, decide that my blood sugar is too low and there is a genuine danger that I could pass out. It’s time to eat in 12 minutes (I am still a sporadic intermittent faster), I had better start prep.
1021: Feed cat. Boil water for poached eggs. Try to decide whether I should do “no carbs” today. Open the freezer, no gluten free bread, no carbs it is.
1029: Eat no carb breakfast. A minute too early, but who’s counting. Check bank account – still in overdraft. Check emails, no response from online store regarding dispatch of new workout gear, go on to their Facebook page and post a message requesting a response to my email about the order I placed last night. Check Facebook (mine), check Insta (mine), check Insta (the cat’s), check Facebook (Hazel’s), check Insta (Hazel’s), contribute something simultaneously smart and funny to sisters WhatsApp convo.
1035: Still hungry. Eat some cheese. Still hungry. Eat a banana. Still hungry. Eat some more cheese. Still hungry. Eat a nut bar (with chocolate). Realise that a banana has carbs. Realise that a nutbar (with chocolate) has carbs. Failed the no carbs on day one.
1042: Turn on shower. Check Hazel’s Facebook while waiting for shower to warm up and mirror to fog so that I can’t see back fat hanging over sports bra. Check my Facebook, no response to post on online store’s Facebook page, send them a private Facebook message, letting them know that I placed an order the day before, and that I have emailed them and posted on their Facebook page with no response.
1120: Out of shower. Cat is waiting at the bathroom door – apparently starving. Lube up with Fiji Oil. Put on robe. Send robe selfie to sisters WhatsApp.
1122: Feed cat. Check Facebook (mine), check Insta (mine), check Insta (the cat’s), check Facebook (Hazel’s), check Insta (Hazel’s), send pic of potential weekend outfit to sisters WhatsApp. Buy shoes online. Start to plan lunch.
1145: Decide that I will be pursuing a Ketogenic Lifestyle from that point forward. Research Ketogenic meal ideas. Write shopping list;
- Cottage cheese
- Smoked salmon
- Smoked chicken
1207: Start lunch prep – more eggs. Add bacon. Add cheese. Ketogenic Lifestyle is my kinda lifestyle.
1217: Sit down to Ketogenic Lifestyle lunch. Take a much needed break and watch a bit of TV. Catfish marathon is on. Make myself comfy, which isn’t hard when one is wearing a robe and slippers.
1225: Feed cat
1230: Check Facebook (mine), still no response to Facebook post, or private message from workout gear online store, check Insta (mine), write comment on afore mentioned online store’s Instagram page, letting them know that I have emailed them, Facebooked them, private messaged them, and have had no response. It’s now been 14 hours since I ordered my workout gear, and I didn’t expect to wait this long for a reply.
1316: Check Insta (the cat’s), check Facebook (Hazel’s), check Insta (Hazel’s). Email online shoe store, ask them when shoes will be dispatched, as I need them for the weekend. Might as well resend email to workout gear online store, the last one might have gone to their junk folder.
1530: Mum will be home in 30 minutes and I haven’t done the dishes from breakfast or lunch, and that I will be in so much trouble when she gets home.
1531: Feed cat
1532: Get Check Facebook (mine), post a comment on the Facebook page of the online shoe store, telling them that I expected to have a response to my email by now. Check Insta (mine), no response from anonymous workout gear online store. Check Insta (the cat’s), check Facebook (Hazel’s), check Insta (Hazel’s), send pic of potential weekend outfit to sisters WhatsApp. Start to plan dinner. Check bank account – still in overdraft.
1602: Mum is home. Dishes aren’t done. Cat is starving, mum thinks I haven’t fed the cat. Mum notes that I am still in robe. Mum also notes that MTV is on. Mum tells me off for not doing the dishes. Mum feeds the cat. I pack orders.
1618: Mum realises that washing hasn’t been hung out. Mum asks if I received note with regard to washing. I tell mum I received no such note, blame the cat.
1630: Dishes are done. By mum. Dad gets home, observes that I am still in robe. Asks why no one has fed the cat.
1645: There is 15 minutes until post office shuts, orders need to be sent. I am still in robe. Get out of robe, into trackies and hooded sweat. No time for BB cream, nor mascara. Pray to goodness that no one sees me.
1655: At post office, apparently the venue for surprise high school reunion.
1702: Parcels are scanned, leave the post office, hope that no one sees me get into my 1991 Mazda Familia (matte black) with Warriors car seat covers.
1707: Arrive at supermarket with list for Ketogenic Lifestyle;
- Cottage cheese
- Smoked salmon
- Smoked chicken
1712: Realise that the people from high school who couldn’t make the reunion at the Post Office have instead decided to congregate at Countdown – in the chilled food section. Ask myself why I didn’t apply mascara at the very least. Skin is patchy, hyper pigmentation is on display under harsh supermarket lights, and eyes look like piss holes in the snow.
1720: Get into my matte black 1991 Mazda Familia with Warriors car seat covers, and hope that no one has seen me. Get a nasty surprise, when a quick look in the rear view mirror reveals that my hair looks like a sucked mango, I should have done myself a favour and given it a quick spritz of dry shampoo.
1736: Courier arrives in my absence, loaded with stock that has been presold, that is four weeks late, that will be another day late, because it’s missed the post.
1742: Home again, with wine, cheese, chorizo and crackers. Acknowledge that only half of the items that I have purchased are part of a Ketogenic Lifestyle.
1745: Get Check Facebook (mine), check Insta (mine), check Insta (the cat’s), check Facebook (Hazel’s), check Insta (Hazel’s), send pic of wine to sisters WhatsApp. Check bank account – even further in overdraft after trip to supermarket. Realise that pay day isn’t until next week. FML.
1755: Open box, supplier has sent me the wrong size mix in the wholesale pack, but I’ve pre-sold items based on the wholesale pack that Hazel was supposed to get. Ah eff it. Email supplier and ask if there is any way I can get sizes changed. They respond, advising that those are the sizes I ordered. I forward email with order, showing that these are not sizes I ordered, no response…
1815: Email customers who have been patiently waiting for weeks for their pre-ordered and pre-paid goods and tell them that unfortunately I don’t have their size and will have to process a refund for them.
1825: Process refunds. Bank account further in overdraft.
1830: Eat dinner: Chicken pieces, roast potato and corn on the cob. Realise that neither roast potato nor corn on the cob are part of a Ketogenic Lifestyle. Decide I might as well drink the wine, and then start afresh with Ketogenic Lifestyle tomorrow.
1900: Start working on Hazel’s House, doing fun stuff such as updating web content, trying to decide on social media material for the coming week, loading new arrivals onto website, answering Facebook queries and emails, perusing wholesalers websites, trying to decide which items Hazel has to have, writing lists, resending emails to suppliers, who have misplaced stock orders, unpacking stock, checking off stock.
2030: Remember that tomorrow I will be commencing my Ketogenic Lifestyle, and as such I must rid the house of all sweets, chocolate, crisps, and general goodness, including the pizza left over from the weekend and the rest of the batch of peanut brownies that mum made (14 in total).
2117: Feed cat.
2120: Emerge from food coma, remember that I’m in the office tomorrow, at my real job, and therefore I have a million and one things to do before then. But first, let me catch up on Teen Mom 2.
2147: Get Check Facebook (mine), check Insta (mine), check Insta (the cat’s), check Facebook (Hazel’s), check Insta (Hazel’s), send update about Teen Mom 2 sisters WhatsApp.
2335: Remind self that I need to be in the office in 9 hours time, and I have about 10 hours of work to do before then. Is it too late to have more wine? Does my Keto Lifestyle start at midnight? If so, might as well pop that Kettle Corn and get that put away for good.
2345: Start writing newsletter and blog post, and shopping for accessories for Hazel’s House simultaneously. Also write list of flat lays that need to be done on Wednesday. And browse Instagram for potential new labels.
0019: Email potential new labels, asking how to go about becoming a retailer of their label. Reply to emails from BFF’s. Text friend whose birthday ended 20 minutes ago, wish her happy birthday and apologise for being a bad friend.
0113: Get Check Facebook (mine), check Insta (mine), check Insta (the cat’s), check Facebook (Hazel’s), check Insta (Hazel’s), send screenshots of Facebook to sisters WhatsApp.
0146: Lights out. Phone on charge on other side of room. Try to solve the problems of the world, including poverty, global warming and animal cruelty. Contemplate taking a sleeping tablet, decide against this based on fear that I will be unconscious until 1020 tomorrow.
0230: Six hours until I’m due in the office, put together outfits in my head to try and save time in the morning, and then hopefully I’ll only be half an hour late instead of 45 minutes…