Losing My Fake Tan Virginity

December 2, 2015

I’m officially a product reviewer now, so if you’d like to do a collab (send me free shit), just flick me an email and I’ll give you my address.  If you’re worried about the number of eff bombs I drop, I am going to demonstrate a concerted effort to clean up my language.

I can send you some readership stats if you like.  I’ve got an international audience – a sister and a good friend live in Australia.  I have a regular readership of six.  My mum, my dad, the afore mentioned kiwi expats, a mate, and the “friend” who reports back to a certain someone about everything I write on here.

I could inflate the readership to seven, but we all know cats can’t read.  Weeeell, my cat is actually part human, so he can read, but he doesn’t have opposable thumbs and thus can’t navigate to the page.  To be honest though, he’s not really the target market for fake tan – he’s got too much fur.

I am not a fan of fake tan, a fake tan fan is not what I am.  You see I am a mongrel mix of Irish, Italian and Scandinavian (#scandi), and I tan just fine on my own thank you.  Luckily I throw the rich Italian tan and not the chestnut colour that dad goes when he’s spent the day on the beach in his budgie smugglers.

Right, the tan.  I won this.  Legit.  On the She Lives Cruelty Free Facebook page.  I made a promise to myself a while ago that I would only use cruelty free cosmetics and beauty products, the girls at She Lives Cruelty Free have made it so easy to do that, and I have slowly but surely replaced all the products in my make up kit (bye bye MAC).


The precious pump bottle actually arrived promptly, but it took me a week to remove the hair from my legs.  I’m a lazy bitch person, and prefer to get my bits and pieces waxed, but I can hardly justify dropping a cool hundy at the salon these days.  So I had to psych myself up to wax my own legs and that’s a head fuck and a half enough to mess with your mind.

I’m pretty sure that waxing your legs is up there with a full leg tattoo.  If you think that I’m exaggerating, I suggest you partake in a blind test, get one leg waxed and one leg tattooed and then tell me which hurt more.

I need a miracle from this product, because it’s four weeks until Christmas and once again I’m not the skinny sister, so I’m going to tan myself thin.

I’m going to come right out and say that I underestimated the importance of a tanning mitt – rookie error.  This tan is a greeny/black colour and that got into every line and wrinkle on my prematurely aged hands.  Fear not, I scrubbed my hands with a bit of Jif and they were good as new!

So I rubbed the mousse all over my body and the tint made it super easy to see where I’d already been.  I spent the day in my sleepwear (as opposed to my usual uniform of activewear), which was awkward when Boyf got home from work and asked why I was still in my PJ’s…

To say that I was impressed with the result is an understatement.  I wasn’t convinced that there would be no orange, but there really wasn’t.  We had Boyf’s work Christmas function and thankfully the balmy night meant I could show off my just returned from the Greek Islands look.

I’m pretty sure my tan was the talking point of the diners in the restaurant.  Either that, or they were surprised at the amount of food I was putting away – it’s hard to say.  The next day I got my first compliment on my fake tan and I proudly told her that I’d popped my fake tan cherry.  She thought I was weird.  She’s probably right.

I’m officially a convert.  The highlight of my Friday night will be tanning myself.  I can’t confirm, but I’m pretty sure I lost a dress size.

So here’s the clincher…I somehow deleted my before and after pics!  I stood outside in my delicates to take them, and I’m pretty sure the neighbour was having a ciggie break over the very low fence…  I’ve got 2,146 photos of my cat, but the proof of the entire point of this post is lost.  This is an epic fail.  I apologise.  I do have some after pics…



P.S. I am not sponsored by Long White Vodka, but am  happy to be a brand rep if someone who knows someone is reading this…

Hazel Signature

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1 comment

Leigh December 2, 2015 at 7:06 pm

You never disappoint. <3


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