Quick Note | Candle Syndrome

January 20, 2015

For as long as I can remember I have been too much of something or not enough of something else.  I am an acquired taste and we’ve already been through my outcast issues in this post.

Through school, and into my working life, my mum was always very agnostic when it came to advice about being left out, but my dad would simply say: “don’t worry about them, they have Candle Syndrome, their candle isn’t very bright, and so they blow out yours to make their candle brighter”.

The way that I was treated by other females had a huge affect on my late teens and early twenties.  I developed severe social anxiety and struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts until I was 26, when I gave up gluten and the contraceptive pill.  Two words: life changing.

For years I was the new girl who was standing awkwardly off to the side at social functions, and so I have always tried really hard to include the “new girl” to the group, which has sometimes bitten me in the ass, because then I’m “fake” or “too nice”.  I’ve gone out of my way to welcome every new girlfriend of all of my guy mates, only to have these girls show their appreciation for my cocktails and conversation by insisting that their boyfriend deletes my number and unfriends me on Facebook.

While controlling my intake of gluten and synthetic estrogen has had a huge effect on my mental health, I am still prone to bouts of depression when I give more than I take.  Realising that I am an emotional empath gave me greater self awareness when it comes to the energy of others and my mood.  Now I can sense when I am getting low and take steps to get myself back to the X axis, getting above the line is a bonus!

The information above gives some context to the recent blog post, the moral of which was supposed to be: keep the bits that make you happy, and get rid of the bits that make you feel like shit, try to give less to those who take too much, and be OK with saying “thanks but no thanks”.

Unfortunately the message (and my unusual sense of humour – I think it’s genetic) was a little lost on some, and the feedback has been a touch confronting to say the least.  The tension in the little weather board in Dinsdale was pretty high that week, because truth be told, I couldn’t go to the wedding anyway.  Even though the respondent was given 10 days from October 29 to file an Affidavit in Defence, she finally filed the Friday before Christmas.  Boyf’s Affidavit in Response was due the day after the wedding, and that wasn’t going to write itself.  110 pages later and I’m not sure if I should have been a lawyer, an investigative journalist or a detective.

Then there was the blow out from “the blog” and boyf had to get into his armour and onto his white horse and rescue me from the witch hunt.  Actually no, it was more like Snow White and the Huntsman, only he’s Hemsworth and I’m Theron, because he was the one riding into the woods and I was at home admiring myself in the mirror.  I thought about deleting the blog completely.

And then I reminded myself that this isn’t my first time at the rodeo.  This isn’t the first time I’ve been bullied by peers and parents.  I started blogging in 2012, a “travel blog” for my friends and family, that never caused offence or got backlash, because the people reading it knew who I was.

Instead of dimming my light because it’s shining in someone else’s eyes, I’m going to focus on the emails, texts and Facebook messages from strangers and friends alike who connected with the words on the screen and felt inspired enough to start making some positive changes in their own lives.

If one person reads any post on the Hazel’s House blog, who is feeling like I did in 2009, and it makes them feel like they’re not the only person in the whole world who has felt like a worthless burden, then it was worth it.  In the words of old man Seuss (who apparently didn’t even like kids, oh no, I hope his wife doesn’t find this blog and criticise me for my criticism) “be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”.

Disclaimer:

I can’t be sure that Dr Seuss did say the afore mentioned quote, I’m just blindly following what the internet tells me.  Doesn’t sound rhymey (not a real word) enough for him.  Just like I’m not convinced that Bill Cosby said “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone”, but it’s pretty relevant.

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1 comment

Jackie January 22, 2015 at 10:31 am

Love your quick notes and your blogs. You write from the heart and it makes me laugh ( sometimes cry) but its truthful and thats what i wanna read. X

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