Sometimes I think back to life before “The Internet”. How did I get through school, much less University, without Google? I Googled when Google was created, and the company was incorporated in 1998, so I probs should have known about it when I was at Uni, but I was too busy exposing my midriff in a boob tube and white pants at The Outback.
I read a lot of opinions on the internet, usually when I should be sleeping, or exercising, or making paleo treats, or trying to find a job. Ironically, all much more productive things that I could be doing on the internet. I generally steer clear of things on the internet that will offend me, but if I come across something offensive and choose to read it, I do something outrageous – I keep scrolling.
There are plenty of people posting their “breast is best” opinion on the internet. To some formula feeding your child makes you a shit parent, and means your child will be a shit human. My mum formula fed both of her children from 14 days. Is she offended by the inference that she is a terrible mother and her daughters are obese with attachment issues? No, she’s not. Not once have I caught her logging in to leave a comment telling the writer they’re hateful and sad and that they are assuming that people are able to breastfeed, and what about a pair of gay men that adopt a child, what should they do?
There are countless opinion pieces about high school teachers failing the youth by not achieving in four hours a week what their parents have been unable to accomplish in fourteen years. These “authors” feel it’s the fault of teachers that children are lacking manners and morals and that levels of literacy are awful. My dad is a teacher (after years fixing motor vehicles) and if he finds these opinions he reads them out and rants about them for up to three weeks. What he doesn’t do is leave a comment telling the author that their opinion is nonsensical and farcical and he’s a teacher and he disagrees and here’s 16 examples of parents failing their kids, including a senior boy who couldn’t adhere to the clean shaven policy because his mum was away and she shaves his face for him #truestory.
There are people on the internet who say they don’t like cats. They are definitely just pretending that they don’t like cats to be contentious, because there’s absolutely no way that anyone could not like cats. They’re self sufficient, independent, they’re the perfect mix of aloof and affectionate. There are times when I’m tempted to call bullshit on these fake cat haters, but I know that it would be like talking to a brick wall, they’ve obviously got their whiskers in a twist because they don’t actually own a cat, can’t join a cat owner group on Facebook and shouldn’t be using the hashtag #catsofinstagram.
I’m a blonde, female accountant. The number of offensive comments about that trifecta is next level. When my powers combine I am dumb and promiscuous, good for nothing except domestic duties, and reeeeeeally boring with no sense of humour. I could waste hours of my life attempting to appear intelligent and non-promiscuous, bragging about my terrible domestic skills and talking myself up as fun and spontaneous, but that kinda carry on might mean missing the climax of Catfish, and then I’d really have something to complain about.
People aren’t just offensive online, some people are offensive in real life. Just a few weeks ago someone said: “If you ask me, stepmothers are what’s wrong with the world”. Well babes, I didn’t ask, but please don’t hold back. Two of your children were here for a whole day last week and combined, they have the self confidence of a sloth. Call me crazy, but it might be something to do with the aggressive, condescending way in which you speak to them – in front of other people.
You assumed that their inability to follow instructions was due to a lack of comprehension, so you increased the volume and added some swear words. I’m guessing from the amount of times you’ve bragged about drinking copious quantities of bourbon and driving drunk to get ciggies, that assessing their alphabetising abilities hasn’t been a priority until now. I can absolutely see where you’re coming from though, and stepmothers who choose to love the children of other people are definitely what’s wrong with the world.
One of my favourites: “you wouldn’t understand, because you’re not a mum”. The amount of times I’ve heard this leads me to believe that the orator and others in the audience don’t feel this is offensive. If I respond with “you wouldn’t understand because you’re not busting your ass in a corporate job, with a boss that isn’t three foot tall who can make or break your career with a strategic CC on an email. You wouldn’t understand because you haven’t been wearing prosthetic testicles in your big girl panties since the age of 25, just so that you’d have the balls to not cry in front of a boardroom full of men who you call bullshit on the numbers, because they’re not conducive to achieving their KPI’s.” That would be offensive though, right?
I don’t blog to try and get “followers” – I’ve got followers in real life. They’ve got four legs and fur and only follow me when I’m shaking their bickies, but that’s neither here nor there. I started blogging when I was on a wee world trip a few years back. I posted blogs to update my friends and family, and because it can be pretty lonely travelling the world on your own.
I don’t blog to be offensive and incite hateful personal insults in private groups who feel that I am tearing down other women to my 4,000 followers. I am not a “blogger”, although maybe I could be if it meant that someone would send me some of that ridiculously good alcoholic ginger beer. I could drink it during the day to ease the boredom and isolation I feel as a stay at home mum to three cats who like to take really long naps.