You Know Mercury is in Retrograde When…

May 22, 2015
Not today Satan, not today

I’m far from an Astrologist, but I read about Mercury Retrograde on Zoe Marshall’s blog one day, and I’ve done a bit of research on it. Mercury Retrograde happens three times a year (four if we’re lucky), and in short, things go a little haywire for a couple of weeks.

Mercury rules communication, clear thinking, truth and travel, and there’s a long list of things that you should try not to do doing Mercury Retrograde (buy a house, start a job, sign a contract, purchase big ticket items, go on a trip).

I made the mistake of buying new furniture for the lounge – online of course so I didn’t have to make small talk with a salesperson. I ordered a side table, coffee table and entertainment unit. The delivery arrived…it was three coffee tables. I called them and they said they’d swap them at 2pm on Friday. 3pm on Friday and I was still waiting. I returned the stock to them myself (because the boxes were clogging up the entrance way), and boyf tried to put together the coffee table – of course there was no hole for the screw at one end.

Mercury Retrograde is also the time when things are likely to go wrong with your vehicle. I know it’s hard to believe when you drive a 1992 Mazda Familia, but I’ve had a few car problems this week. Black Beauty has remote locking (and an immobiliser in case you were in the market to steal one), and this function has a history of playing up, but this week the behaviour has been atrocious. The remote locking works fine, but the remote unlocking does not work.

On Sunday evening, I thought I’d left the interior light on and run the battery flat, but no, it was just an electronics issue. The simple answer was that I wouldn’t be able to lock Black Beauty, which was OK. But old habits die hard, and at the supermarket, I remembered not to lock her, but when I came out I was engrossed in my ham and chicken luncheon, and pushed the button – locking the car.

So there I am, in the Countdown carpark, climbing in the hatch (which doesn’t stay up on its own), over the back seat and into the front, while the lights flashed and the silent alarm sounded (or didn’t sound in this case).

Of course there was very heavy traffic on the way to boxing that evening, and despite giving myself plenty of time, I arrived late. I also forgot my wraps and gloves, which kind of defeats the purpose. Thank you Mercury.

I couldn’t find it anywhere in my research, but I’m pretty sure that when in retrograde, Mercury makes you say stupid stuff in serious meetings. When having a sensible discussion in the management meeting with the General Manager about the high level restructure (I hope that’s not embargoed), I asked if he was moving to the Bahamas. The whole management team looked at me like I was insane, the GM asked “why the Bahamas?” and I said “if I was you I’d take the money and run”. Two words: lead and balloon.

I’m also going to blame Mercury Retrograde for the bad PR move on social media this week. I was at the Farmers sale, Miss M needed some new PJ’s and a super cute and very versatile merino tunic, and I saw a lady with a catheter bag.

This story needs some context. This was a temporary urinary catheter and not a permanent colostomy bag. This lady did not appear to be ill, she wasn’t confined to a wheelchair, she was practically skipping around Westfield, and was actually rocking her bag as an accessory. In my mind, the humorous bit was this lady was so keen to get to the Farmers sale, that she checked herself out of Ward 4 at Waikato Hospital to get herself some flannelette PJ’s and a merino cardi. I was not surprised to read that when Mercury is in retrograde, humour can be taken the wrong way.

It appeared that people thought I was making fun of someone’s misfortune. Call me crazy, but wearing a (temporary) catheter bag on the outside of your pants, rocking it like a Louis Vuitton, and looking like the number of effs you give is a big fat zero, does not make you unfortunate, it makes you a bad-ass-zero-eff-giving-bargain-hunting-die-hard-shopper.  More power to her.

Speaking of social media, it seems that during Mercury Retrograde (more than ever) people forget that there is someone managing a Facebook page or Instagram account, and they get notifications. So any constructive criticism, product feedback or unsolicited advice does not go unnoticed, in fact, Facebook and Instagram seem to take great joy in letting me know that someone thinks they could do a much better job making a concrete pot, or that they can see an error in your crochet scarf sample, or that they don’t really like something you’ve hand crafted and think that someone could find better.

So if you have felt like you’re from Mars and every other mah fugga is definitely from Venus, this could be why. If you’re pretty sure that you’re saying something, and people are hearing something completely different, this could be why. If you’re accessing your vehicle via your hatch back, this could be why. And the better news, is that Mercury will be in retrograde for almost three weeks.

This is also the time when you are most likely to hear from people from your past. For me that usually means one person in particular, and to that person I say “not today Satan, not today”.

Hazel Signature

You may also like

1 comment

Lady Chief July 1, 2015 at 8:40 pm

Amen sista – gosh you make me feel half human.


Leave a Comment